By Claudia Gova

Again

I breathe and start again.

Felt the blankets, looked at the sunlight passing through the window, heard the quiet and loud noises and tried to remembered my dreams.

After that early composition surrounding me, I woke up this morning really enthusiastic and comfortable. I was feeling the day and programming in my mind that this day is meant to be tagged as a “vacation” day.  As an Spain citizen, I cannot pretend that we are not in the middle of a torrential social crisis but today I just shade.

Outside a sit-in. Inside my house, a free day.

But free from what? From the schedule, the typical due dates, the worries and the appointments.

God! How difficult is to stop a train! The train is pure impulse, non stops mixed with passengers wanting different things, going to different destinations. My mind is that train and when for a circumstance, I have a chance to lower the rhythm and take a pause, that interrupted speed and draught make me shiver and realise how stressed my life is in that certain moment.

Again

Today I realised that I needed a simple modification to order and rearrange my situation. The turbulent bubble were I am trapped its making me more and more aware that I am connected to my context but also to a deep and awake self. So, what can I do? What can I do for me? What can I do for them? For many days even weeks, I kept avoiding those sort of questions that felted so wide and rambling to ask and when I finally approached to a space of grilling, I felt an abysm.

That kind of void and emptiness. Believe me, just for a question as simple as “what can I do” dragged me nuts. Because I hate to recognise that I have any idea, of how to start, of how to do it, what to do, and the list goes on.

So I breathed, and stopped my train one minute.

Out of the bed, before any typical and ordinary gesture, like a lightning bolt, I acted. Almost without thinking it too much, I introduced a small meditation practice.

I pray seated on the floor, without questioning how long it will take me. I just prayed with my body, quiet and in complete silence. Opened eyes, trying to listen to that train or what was left of it. Surprise! It was there, my mind was amused by my action, my dedication to looked inside, for standing still one, two or twenty more breathes of existence.

So that was like lighting a candle, making a delicate act of commitment with myself to start the day in silence, in observation, making obvious an intention, to start again, accepting the present of opening my eyes each day.

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