By Claudia Gova
Life dances quietly through…
Through our relations, through every breathing, through the eyes, that we freely chose to watch with calm while we are figuring how to live.
Recently, I experience and woke up a type of love. The love of mystery. The love for the beginning of something you don’t control. And let me clear the last sentences, I didn’t discover nothing, I just let myself experience very intensely an intimate relationship with a man.
So this posts goes about my personal relations? No. I respect intimacy and couples own worlds, but today I wanted to share my experience. The arrive of a human in the door of my house.
I let him come so quickly, with such an easy and energetic entrance, that my decisions made me, flight to the moon and crash back into the earth. Sounds familiar? Ever happened to you? An occasion when you met another human and exchange such an amount of intensity, life, small moments that you don’t realize the impact until days after, your whole body and mind start to give you sings.
Sings of feeling alive, alert, waked up and shook in mysterious
My face looked with a glimmer, I am not exaggerating, my whole family noticed it. An I felt embarrassed. I am 27 and I looked for a couple of days like a puppy.
So, whats the deal? What I called ” the experience of the rollercoaster”. I lived at the beginning a shot of adrenaline and happiness but then, when the person I was dating, started to create distance and miscommunication, in this lapse of silence and retirement, I started to descend into fear.
Hard to feel that change in my mood.
Hard trying to understand the situation plus the “whys”
Hard to realize that the suffering was coming only from my “trying to keep”, “to control” and “to hold on the happiness”.
So hard to observe my childish patterns!
After these past days of intensity, I became aware of what was being moved. I lived holding on. I meditated. I asked for help. I investigated about relationships. And tried ways to let it go. The results? One of them was this post and the new light in my focus on what I share here.
I write from today as a compromise to myself, as a contract, as an exercise to expose my inner world and hopefully I can connect with the experience of the ones who are reading this posts.
I write to welcome fear, to share the crusades and peacefull bargains happening inside my head, heart, and soul, to recover conversations and to remember.
With this type of interactions, with this internal life so altered and in constant action, I realize I don’t have to hide from myself, on the contrary, I have multiple universes to share with you so
I will keep you in touch…
What an amazing welcome, that says hello to fear of loving, of being rejected and what an amazing romance from a place of wanting to embrace that discomfort and to start to work on a more solid version of myself!