Two days of retreat,

inside a forest of silent trees

caught astonished an asleep self

 a bridge asked me to remember

Who I was?

Who I am?

The birds, the wind, the sound of the footsteps, the breathing, a mind full of beauty and damage, the river making noise… all was whispering and creating a companion.

A different kind of company, a one unexplored, presented as strange and frightening. But wait! I was surrounded by green green more succulent green and water. The mist wasn’t spooky at all, nature felt alive but I felt as frightened as scared of entering a proper twilight.

My knees hurt, from being silent and watchful of the vast ocean in my head.  And on this trial of not using my vocal chords, I bit my own venom.

I could taste the bitterness of my anxiety, realizing the pressure that is discharged through speaking. I observe with certain sadness the mechanisms of the self. Part of them.  While I was dumb, that pressure burst inwards. Creating mirrors, silent and sophisticated sensations that crossed my chest.

I could not escape

If I was caught scaping, the sound of a bell, the hand of a friend, the million in-house voices, the images, the landscape, the body; all brought me back. With intensity, with certain levels of feeling or thoughts, like rivers coming and going, I became aware of the sailor I am, of the brave human I am learning to be. A true explorer of my own internal caves. A true existence, that is playing with mud, recognizing that its part of all, not a stranger but a sun-son.

I was happy to come back home. Here.

In the retreat, I walk breath by breath allowing me to observe deeper my thoughts, letting the emotions spring, experiencing anger, frustration, fatigue, triumph. With this journey I enjoyed creating a clear message in correspondence with life, saying in different levels: I’m home.

 

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