What I want to do right now?
I have been wondering-dreaming-experiencing-meditating, a lot of internal and psychological aspects of me. Busy? in this intimate part hell yes! I have been traveling into a stream of daily but surreal time. Like a strawberry jelly, I feel the day composed by my common activities but touched by a new thick point of view. I’m using myself as a weird and authentic insect selected for inspection. The sensation is gelatinous, my inside is quite awake and sensible, the outside shell is under construction and also abandon.
Sometimes it feels awkward and uncomfortable. Being diving, swimming and getting tired of this contrast. An old me, a used cover, a piece of skin peeling.
Like a snake that still attached to the old skin, I experience life like a continuous exfoliation, angry with what is still attached for some reason. If we interview a snake, probably it will tell us that the natural process should be lived with care, caution and tons of rest. If you interview me, the snake-human, I could tell I’m anxious and want to shake off that dead sediment. Still, in this process, I can see and mourn the dead parts of my history.
While I observe, I tend to breathe, to accept and relax. I taste this possibility, slowing down, continuously catching and dropping my existence. Lately, I see clearly how the more the life pushes me to be calm and caring, the more I want to run away!
Let us paint an image in your mind. A lovely lady or a feminine presence each morning kiss my eyes and while I open them, she whispers softly to my ears: “Hey beauty, welcome to this blank space, move with softness and patience”. The moment I touch the floor, I start worrying about my future, desires, “unsolved” things, what I believe its the best for me, what I don’t have.
Loneliness, silence, feelings, music, being, beating, complete, present
Words that remind me that the simple, the state of being simple and flowing. Is quite an adventure, a true and complex travel to assume: I’m alive and changing!
These days are for me, strong and powerful. This year feels like a great wave, that returns us to our nature. The fear of being there, absolutely in a different and “unknown” landscape, made me anxious and exhausted but with an internal force that continuously is building an enjoyable existence.
Text by Claudia Gova.
Photo by Leon Beu.