What is needed to write? A good piece, a fine body of thoughts that can connect with others? It’s a mystery?
I have been since the weekend, falling down into little flu.I opened past Sunday this blog and took it back after a long break. Sorry, not sorry. I experience the stages of no compromise, no following a purpose, no essays, no clear desire or will to express. Actually, these sensation of Abandon is pumping in many areas of my life. Right now I feel like a boat on a huge river, sailing for weeks in complete mist.
I want to evoke here the word “freedom”. Yes, the state or internal feeling that I smell very close to the “giving it up” sensation I’m experiencing. I want but I don’t know what, who, where, when. I have the desire to move on, to feel secure and the things I continuously doing is burning my mind cause I move, search or freeze instead of using other internal tools like breathing, meditating or grounding.
I say “let’s be free and autonomous” and my inner beast says “CAUTION! you can burn or get crazy, alone or rejected”.I also recognize that I was after a perfect life and chasing an image.. To be precise, I wonder of many dreams: to be a lover, a mother, a recognized artist, a teacher, a leader. While I do that, going after idyllic images, the universe says: “okay, here you go” and I began to collapse cause with a dream there is a whole package of layers, new routes, surprises and also a lot of shit to remove.
We are here, without instructions. And I ask you, are we humble apprentices? I’m discovering the shadow of my cover up ignorance. I feel shame for not knowing how to do, to act, to manifest. I feel anger cause the “shit” or not recognized behaviors are actually the compost of my dreams. Sometimes this can be overwhelming, cause how can I love and enjoy those dark aspects without attaching to drama and suffering or how can I indulge and be open while it hurts?
Today I saw a short video of Nina Simone where she said: “you can describe things but you can’t tell them”. And it made me click! She was relating freedom to the experience, not to the lessons, the ideas nor the concepts of what we have learned of the world but to the presence and own experience.
Powerful and scary. To walk asuming our complete blur and ability to build imaginable encounters. The soul is telling me: listen, dearest. Listen carefully, the seed and the tree that you are, the possibilities that are all ready for you.
I hope to marry and listen to my whole. Mind, Body, Soul, Particular Infinite.